bleeeeeech i feel like im about to puke. tomorrow (well, today now) they announce the watson fellowship recipiants. i'm completely freaked out, cant sleep, because if by some shot in hell it's me, then i have to put off grad school for a yr and go be alone for a yr. exactly what i dont want, which of course means it'll happen, right?
i applied for this thing just cuz i wanted to keep my option open, and it seemed like a good idea - but now that i've gotten into grad school what i really WANT to do is get started asap - on that road. i know it sounds insane, ungrateful, and probably shortsighted. but i can't deny that i really, really just want to start arch school next yr.
the final watson interview went HORRIBLY - the lady called my proposal "schizophrenic mumbojumbo" and "careerist," and said a bunch of other mean/crazy shit about me/it, so i'm hoping that means i've got no chance in hell. but on the other hand, maybe she was testing me? i thought the first interview went horribly too, and it turned out that they nominated me.
i've been so dang happy about cornell for the last week, and going to see the arch school at UT austin - i started making all these plans in my head for the fall. and now to think those plans might not happen - even because an opportunity that so many people would love to have - it makes me feel scared.
i must sound insane - and i know 10 yrs down the road when im working a 70 hr week for the fifth yr in a row i'll be kicking myself...but i dunno. i can't lie about how i feel right now. it's like, i've floated around, experimenting, absorbing, doing crazy stuff...now i'm ready to get to it, and learn. if by some stroke of bizarre fate i get this thing, would i be able to turn it down? legally, and emotionally?
UGH. and i ate tons of bread tonight so i feel so sick. i guess i have to get tested for celiac's after all. im dreading leaving on friday, and dreading finding out the circumstances under which i'll be leaving.
UGH i hate sounding so ungrateful. but hey, if i can't say it here, where can i say it??
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